KIDSTATICISFAMOUS

Shit I think my best drunken sex story took place up by Northwestern.

But before I start, this never happened, I wasn’t there, and if you know anybody who thinks they might have suffered due to this event, just tell them I channeled psychically it all via the Prophet Marvos from the Isle of Lemuria.

Which is true.

Anyway, one of my boy’s had a good friend called Chance who is a master at macking girls. I mean, it’s ridiculous. Whenever I heard tell of a party via Chance, I knew it was a good thing to try and get my ass to, even if it meant an hour and a half on the El or whatever. Why?

Chance got so many broads horny there was hope of catching collateral booty.

Looking back, though, I think Chance didn’t even make it to this one. There was a period he didn’t like coming out if me and a few others were gonna be there, seeing how as we would fill any idle moment between hovering around the keg and looking for booty with stuffing our pockets full of the other kind of booty, doing indoor graffiti (very avant garde), pouring the contents of people’s refrigerators into people’s toasters, stealing more stuff, peeing into the trashcan next to the toilet, etc. We were kind of like… I don’t know… mean fellers I guess really is all you can say. Chance, in spite of his adamantine game, probably found being held responsible for the actions of a herd of urukai in saggy jeans a bit of a cockblock.
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from TREAL:

Question:

Whenever a girl ends a text message with the above emoticon, my automatic interpretation is, “she wants to suck my (motherfucking) dick (the EP).” Then, if after some thought I decide that she doesn’t really want to suck my dick–or, alternately, that perhaps she would like to keep me lingering somewhere in her queue lest some rainy day she suddenly decides that the briny aroma of my cock and not that of some other, presently seemingly more suitable cock would be just the ticket–my reinterpretation is, “why is this bitch trying to text-message tease me.”

I don’t know much about emoticons. Is the winky-face supposed to mean some other shit?

Yours,

Lil Treaky

from TREAL:

That captured pirate hits the states…

… and he’s COLD CHILLIN’! That smiles just says, “yes, I have lived a wild fucking life, I am 19, I am a pirate, I sail ships and rob people, I have fired cannons and swashbuckled and shivered ye timbers and stabbed scurvy dogs and squeezed big wench tittays and laughed so much, much more than you Navy Gravy Under Seige fools ever will. P.S. you have just made the biggest mistake ever, I’m about to take over the U.S. prisons like pirate Miklo! Did I mention I just got a free ticket to America!? Big Mac!” This motherfucker is a modern day Jolly Roger! Straight up, if he is not in the next Pirates of the Carribean (as well as Miklo, for that matter, his career has gone nowhere since Chicano Blood), I will eat ten scorpions and buy a 900″ TV from Sever for six dollars and a coupon.